i know i just posted about an amazing weekend that i just had. it really was fun and i really did have a great time. i was glad i had so much to do so i wouldn't have time to really be able to have time to stop and think. keep my mind occupied.
moments at night on the trip while everyone was sleeping i stayed awake and tried not to cry, tried not the think, but it came anyways. i'm an emotional wreck already so it was extremely difficult to keep it in at night.
wednesday night my sisters and i spent the night at my parents house to make leaving in the morning easier, but i didn't get much sleep that night. around 9 that night my dad was on his way to my grandparents house. i asked him what was wrong, he didn't want to tell me but i wanted to know. if it was something with my family i want to know. he told me that my aunt was having complications from a surgery and it wasn't looking very good. i was in shock. about an hour later we got the news that she had passed.
my heart broke.
i stayed up most of the night thinking. it's always hard when a friend, or family member leaves this world, and you start to wonder why. why this person? why now? obviously i don't have those answers. i only know that everyone has their time and when it happens, it's the right time.
writing this is a way of healing for me. my family is not known for showing much emotion. i learned to surpress my feeling when i was younger cause i got made fun of one time when i cried, and that has followed me ever since. i saw crying as a weakness.
as i have gotten older and have learned more about myself and have realied on myself more i realize that i have a very sensitve soul. as soon as i invest in anyones life even a little, my heart is in it. i emotionally attach myself with out hesitation. i used to see it as a weakness, naturally since i tried so hard to get rid of emotions, but i don't see it that way anymore.
this past weekend of thinking about my dear aunt and her beautiful life, filled with love and family i couldn't help but reflect on mine as well.
i might end up being the "big softy" of the family, but you know what, that's okay. i'd be proud to be the one that will cry with you, show support, be the one that people come for when they are in need.
life is what you make it. we only have but a small moment in this life to be able to be who we are, and love it.
to my cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, i pray for peace to be with you, and your hearts to be filled with love. i so wish i could be there with each of you as you go through this part of your journey, but know that i am thinking about you, praying for you and that i love you.
I come from a similar lifestyle... where crying was seen as a weakness.
ReplyDeleteBut, it isn't.. and I think you wrote beautifully.... it shows your beautiful soul.
Beautiful, Erica. you are an incredibly strong woman, and part of that is knowing when your emotions need a release. Sometimes a good cry can fix a lot. Love you, girl.
ReplyDeleteThe need to be strong is even more difficult when you just simply aren't but everyone expects you to be. With everything I have faced in the past few months I have experienced this more than ever. It's actually not healthy to keep our emotions locked away or hidden. Good for you for over coming that. I can attest to the fact that grieving, although hard to experience, is very important in our experience in this life. Mourning is part of life which no one wants to go through but at some point, often unexpectedly, we all will. My heart & prayers go out to your family as well. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI am a big softy, too. I pretty much cry at anything. Especially when pregnant, but even when not.
ReplyDeleteHugs. I'm sorry for your aunt's passing. My uncle is in hospice right now. Probably has weeks to live, according to the doctor. It's been hard.